Who am I?
I recently joined a writing group (a no-shame, no-judgement, no-pressure group) and the first thing we were asked to write was an introduction. We had the simple prompt, "Who are you?"
Place. I wrote that I currently live in MN, grew up in NH, and have called a lot of places home. Since childhood, the only physical place that has ever felt like home is the Sonoran Desert (despite never having lived there) and the only emotional place that has felt like home is the current relationship I’m in. From Chicago to Pittsburgh, from Rob to Kent, I’ve felt like a temporary visitor in all other places and relationships. I’ve been there in body, but I’m always planning to leave.
The only physical place that has ever felt like home is the Sonoran Desert.
People. I have two sons who taught me about unconditional love. One is nine and the other died in 2010 when he was four. His age will never change. My partner is beyond amazing. Enough said. His daughter lives with us and although it wouldn’t be right to call myself her mother, I love her too. I’m blessed with siblings, parents, and an extended family that would do anything for me that I asked. Anything. And they’ve often done things for me that I’ve needed but was too afraid to ask for. My friendships are scattered across the globe and my anchor to myself and the world when I get lost.
Who am I? I'm not sure who I am so I’ll tell you what I know, although I’m fairly certain that the pieces add up to the whole. I know that I’m scared most of the time, although sometimes not. I know I’ve been in a battle with my body for most of my life, although I hear whispers that the tides of this relationship are changing. I know I'm a spiritual seeker, although I’ve spent more of my life as a skeptical non-believer. I know I need to write, although I don’t consider myself a writer. I know I feel more empathy than most, and my heart often hurts. I know I’m sensitive to others’ pain and I’m not always sure what to do with that pain. I know I’m not as sensitive to my own pain as I should be.
I know that I’m on path to becoming whole and brighter.
I know that I love, fiercely, and I fear that some day someone I love will break me because my love is too big. I know that there’s a brilliant light inside of me [and you] and that just writing these few words about inner lights me smile. I know that I’m on the path to becoming whole and brighter. I know that I’m never truly alone, although I sometimes feel lonely. I know I have a purpose in this life that I have not discovered, although it may be that the pursuit of purpose--and where that takes me--is my purpose in and of itself.